Have you ever . . .
Been on a plane that was too cold?
Expected to meet a friend, but he came late?
Hoped your meat would be rare, but it came well-done?
Stuff happens. You can spend your whole life making mountains out of molehills. I’m not talking about your big preferences: your career, your house, your partner. I’m talking about the little ones that don’t affect your health and safety: the temperature, the salad dressing, the seat, the color of your scarf. If it’s not critical, we usually let it slide, which is a sign of good sense.
Except . . .
If you ALWAYS hang back in regards to the little stuff, if you NEVER speak up and ask for what you want, you may fall into the habit of accepting what is, when really you have the power to get exactly what you want.
When I was a teenager, my family and I took a train trip across Canada, eventually arriving in Victoria, British Columbia. As a girl, my mother had read about High Tea at The Empress Hotel, one of the grand old hotels of an earlier era. She was determined we should go. The large salon felt a little hoity toity, British and a bit crusty to our young family from a small town in Tennessee. We’d arrived in the city in the midst of an unprecedented heat wave, and the windows were open to the water, but the afternoon sun had heated up the room. There was nothing to do about that, but my mother did not want to drink hot tea on a hot day. She could have, but her preference was for iced tea.
Of course The Empress was not prepared to serve iced tea. My elegant mother asked the server for it anyway.
No madam, there isn’t. But we can make you hot tea and pour it on ice.
Since we all know hot tea poured over ice is not really iced tea, my mother said , Yes, please bring the tea, thank you. Then also bring two large glasses filled to the brim with ice.
Of course Madam.
My mother got precisely what she wanted.
Her secret? She was precise in how she asked for it. She also knew it was a preference. It would be delightful to have real iced tea, but it wouldn’t be a major tragedy it she didn’t.
My mother knew this simple rule: “It never hurts to ask.”
We’ve all seen people raise a ruckus over insignificant things, my coffee is too hot or too cold. I want a different seat. I demand a better room and so on. Raising a ruckus may or may not get you the result you hope for. And for all that energy wasted, it is rarely as effective as just asking.
Asking is effective because it allows the other person to feel powerful when they grant it. When you raise a ruckus, the other person feels powerful denying it. If you do decide to make an issue, be sure you are talking to someone who can actually give you what you want.
Ask for what you want. Be clear about what you prefer. It will help you build the muscle you need when the big things arise: the career, the house, the partner.
If your request can’t be granted? Be gracious.
Are you the person who always asks and makes mountains out of molehills? Or do you tend to settle? Whichever your tendency, I invite you to try doing the opposite. Let me know how it goes…
Until next Tuesday. YIPPEE!
Elizabeth