When I was a child my grandmother read to me by the hour from the Book House Booksand Journeys through Bookland (old fairytale series from the 20’s and 30’s). They’d been stored in her cool basement since she’d read them to my father, and I still remember their musty smell. One story in particular had a profound effect on me. A story about the dark, terrifying world of depression. The Snow Queen.
There are many different renditions of The Snow Queen, but in my version it was the story of a magic mirror that, when looked at, magnified everything ugly in the world. Have a hairy mole? It would be exemplified ten times worse in the mirror. When this mirror broke, the splinters lodged themselves everywhere, including in the heart and eyes of a little boy, who from then on could no longer see the beauty in the world. The Snow Queen came and carried him away in her sumptuous fur-filled sleigh. But because of the mirror lodged in his heart, he couldn’t feel it’s warmth as they flew through the cold night.
This fairytale is about the sting of depression. If someone you love is stuck in this story, it can be heart breaking, and it can be very hard to find your own yippee. When you try to help them, their distorted perception of the world drives you (and everyone else) away. This increases their sense of isolation and confirms their belief that the world is not friendly or caring.
How can you get your own yippee back and help them start to find their own? This week, the yippee challenge sounds completely ludicrous and counter-intuitive – you may even be afraid to try it. But it works. So, what do you do?
When the person you love says life isn’t fair, and he/she can’t catch a break and the boss is a jerk . . . agree. We often try to talk people out of their negative beliefs, rather than giving them a chance to really explore them. Agreeing shows them you are listening and allows them to find that the opposite is also true. That sounds really awful. I can’t imagine how you deal with such unfairness. You really have hit a patch of bad luck. How are you dealing with that? What a trial it must be for you to have a difficult boss. How do you manage?
When you agree you show your concern and validate his/her feelings. And nothing is more powerful than that. It may be that first drop of warmth that can melt the ice in your friend’s heart and eyes.
Of course, serious depression is not a question of “just having a better attitude”. It can be life-threatening. If someone you love shows signs of hopelessness and talks of harming him/herself, be sure to take action and consult a mental health professional or an employee assistance person.
But if the depression is a mirror in the eye (or the heart) agree with them. It’s one of the best ways to get that sliver out.
I’d love to hear YOUR wisdom about being caught with the “mirror in the eye”. What do you do? What works? What hasn’t worked?
Until next Tuesday. YIPPEE!
Elizabeth
Such a good post! Your suggestion to show agreement and compassion and ask how they’re coping is an excellent way to help someone with depression or just a negative attitude. And, of course, if the depression becomes worse, you’re wise to recommend consulting a professional.
Thanks Helen for your comment. It can be hard to just agree because we usually want to persuade someone to take a different point of view!
YIPPEE
e
Elizabeth –
When I was a kid, every few months I would start feeling bad, lose energy and not want to do anything. Since that was a lot different than my normal active state, it was a strange feeling. What I found to be helpful was to think backwards to when the feeling had started and isolate the issue that had caused the problem. Once I had done that, the solution was usually apparent and the bad feeling went away.
What I learned after doing that about twenty times was that my bad feelings were mostly caused by minor issues. So, over time, I became much more resilient and the bad feelings came less frequently. I don’t need to use that technique very often today, but I think it was a key factor in helping me learn how to cope with negative events in my life.
Jeff
Thanks Jeff for sharing your success. What you did was repeat a practice very consciously until you were able to do it almost without thinking. Good advice for many. AND…
There are people who suffer from depression. It’s a medical condition that deserves serious treatment. It’s not just “being down” and something that people just get over with an attitude adjustment. Although we’ve come a long way in our attitude toward mental illness some people are reluctant to seek help. There are many effective approaches and we all deserve to be able to face life with a sense of possibility.