In A Shot Of Optimism, Uncategorized, What's Holding You Back?

Did someone take credit for YOUR work?
Did someone blame you for something you didn’t do?
Did a friend betray a confidence?
Did your side of the story never get told?

Our sense of injustice has already begun by the time we enter grade school– he took my ball, she didn’t invite me to her birthday party. And it never quite seems to go away.

If you aren’t immune, you aren’t alone…

My senior year in high school one of my friends went after my boyfriend.  I stared daggers at her for the rest of the semester.  I was so angry and embarrassed,  I wrote a poem called Hate, which was published in the school literary journal.

In my 20’s I worked for a nonprofit organization. When my boss and mentor left, I applied for the job. I was clearly the best candidate for the job.  I had the support of several board members.  I knew the community, had worked in the agency for several years and was passionate about the mission.

Much to my surprise, the board chair and the executive director chose a man from another city.  I was astonished, embarrassed, and furious.  I wanted to get back at them.  As “retribution” I quit my job and took the first job I could find – not a particularly good fit – but I had certainly triumphed.  I showed them!  Showed them what? That’s another question.

I was married and living overseas with Rob, my son from my first marriage.  In spite of long visits over Christmas and summer vacation, his grandfather, a prominent lawyer, sued me for custody unless I let Rob come back and live with his father for a while.  He wanted to create a picture of a perfect new family for his newly sober son and bring his grandson “home”. I felt impotent, angry and betrayed.  This was the father-in-law I loved and who loved me.  How could he do this?  In the end, I granted his request and retained custody, but my heart was hardened against him.  And yet what did that hardened heart get me?

It’s easy to build around the kernel of anger and sense of injustice.  The mind tends to fix on it the way you fix on a hangnail.

Years past and then one day I thought I am willing to forgive my father-in-law.  I hadn’t forgiven just yet, but I was willing, and that was the first step.  And yes, I did find my way to forgiveness.

And here is the thing about forgiveness, it doesn’t require going back over who said what or who did what.  It’s not about “getting it straight”, it is about releasing your attachment to feelings you have about the person and what they did.

And when you do, the most amazing thing happens: you get to be the fortunate recipient of all that energy you had been putting into holding the anger or grudge… regardless of how justified you were.

Here is the paradox.  The more we focus on the person who “injured” us the more we injure ourselves.   It’s easy and tempting to spend time and energy imagining:

  • They will admit their wrongs
  • They will apologize
  • I will get even

But the ONLY thing this does is keep YOU focused on them.  Harboring anger doesn’t hurt anyone but YOU.  They hurt you once and you hurt yourself over and over again.

So if you want more energy to put toward a life YOU love, search out those places where you spend energy thinking about what he did or she said.  Forgive and let it go.

I’d love to hear your story of forgiveness.  Tell me what happened!

Until next Tuesday.  YIPPEE!

Elizabeth

 

 

Showing 2 comments
  • Nancy C. Reid

    Holding a grudge or resentment against another person is like taking poison hoping the other person will die.

    • elizabeth

      Very well put Nancy! Thanks for writing.
      e

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