In Uncategorized, What's Holding You Back?

2+2= 5   5=4 or 10=25

Right?  No, of course not!  To suggest these equations are true is to create a false equivalency.  You might think that’s obvious, yet in our lives we trap ourselves with false equivalencies all the time. These equivalencies are hard to spot because they operate outside our immediate awareness.  Usually they get set up during our childhood.  In fact, they may have actually been true in our childhood, but they aren’t anymore.

If I study, I will get good grades.  If I get good grades, my parents will be proud of me.  If my parents are proud of me, that means they love me . . .  if they love me, they will protect me.
If I have a lot of money, I will be in control and then I don’t have to be afraid.
If I work very hard, people will admire me and no one can blame me.
If I am agreeable and go along with others, then things will stay calm.

Performance = Love
Money = Being in control = No fear
Hard work = Admiration= No blame
Being agreeable = Not speaking up = Everyone’s happy = I’m safe

When written this way it’s easy to see that things don’t necessarily “add up”.  Each of these are dangerous in one way or another.

Just look at the last one:
If you believe you have to silence your own voice for others to be happy and only when everyone’s happy are you safe, then you will never share your ideas, your talents and what you have to give the world.  Maybe as a child, things were explosive in your house, so this equivalency was true.  Now that you are an adult, you can keep yourself safe.

Similarly, if you believe you have to perform to be loved, it increases the stakes in a way that would give anyone performance anxiety.  And, you fulfill a prophecy that can set you up for emotional failure.

So, notice the places where you are stuck – do they have some false equivalencies behind them?  These false equivalencies usually go like this:  “I have to ____ to get____” OR “I have to____ or else_____”

I have to work long hours in order to make enough money.
I have to say yes to every consulting job or else I might not get more work.
I have to keep quiet about what I need or I won’t be loved.

Here’s the Yippee Challenge:

  • Ask yourself why you have to do one thing to get another.  Why do you have to work long hours to make enough money?
  • Ask yourself why again and again, keep peeling back layer after layer.
  • Notice if the “why” takes you to either being loved or avoiding pain or fear.
  • Now write it as a formula Doing X = Y.
  • Now ask yourself if that is true for you now.
  • Declare your new equation. Write it down.

Let me know how it goes.  Until next Tuesday.  YIPPEE!

Elizabeth

 

Showing 3 comments
  • Debra Joy

    Elizabeth this is a great way of explaining it. I work with my clients on this kind of thinking that unconsciously motivates them to pursue certain things in hopes of achieving some result they believe is related – rather than going after exactly what they want. The idea of writing out as simply as X=Y formula is fantastic.

    • elizabeth

      Thanks Debra for writing. Please share examples from your work. We can all use the inspiration.

      e

  • Marlene sanders

    Elizabeth. That was a great article. I can’t wait to share it on Facebook. We never think about it this way but this is exactly what we do operationally in our lives.

Contact Us

We're not around right now. But you can send us an email and we'll get back to you, asap.

Not readable? Change text.